


Is this Hell?

by peacelight



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, pre catws
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 07:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4597467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacelight/pseuds/peacelight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is captured with the Howling Commandos and they share a little about what their scariest moments were before the war and who they couldn't wait to see when they got back</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is this Hell?

In basic training you might get lucky enough to get a CO that will tell you the truth, or at least less bullshit than the propaganda that they stuff you with before you enlist. And in Bucky’s case he was this fortunate. He was warned that he would feel fear that he couldn't even imagine. That the things he would see would change him. He would become a different person. The very thought of losing himself scared Bucky to his core. But fear was nothing new for him. James Barnes knew life and death fear. He thought he was ready.

No one could prepare you as it turns out. The smell of the battlefield was stronger than any piss covered alleyway in New York. The first time it overpowered you, and every time Bucky closed his eyes the smell hit him again. They say that blood doesn't have a smell, but Bucky swore that there was so much that he could smell it in the air.

Bucky felt as if he would never be warm again. The mud went into his boots, he knew that his feet barely had skin left, the stench of dead bodies had become the norm. The sound of the guns going off had become almost rhythmic.

Bucky’s only comfort in this hell was the fact that Steve wasn't here. Hell was no place for Steve Rogers.

Everyone Bucky talked to agreed they had gone into Hell. There was no other way to explain it.

However his CO said they didn't know Hell yet, that would come when they had been buried.

Bucky wondered then what could be worse than this. Because he knew that the shit he had done during this war was leading him to hell’s doorstep. The killing. The killing was the worst. He was good at it, he was better at than most men. It was different for him though. He didn't kill from a distance. From his scope he could see the faces of the men he killed, watch as their life left them. They weren't so different from him. If it wasn't for the uniform Bucky wouldn't know if he was killing their men or the others. He couldn't see the Nazi devils everyone else did. He just saw kids that joined a war....just like him.

***

Captured. Bucky had always known it was a possibility but the reality made his body numb.

He was in a cage with a few others. All from different units. Strangers really. Everyday more people came in and more disappeared. Bucky didn't know what waited for the unlucky that walked out that door led by guards that didn't even look human.

“Whatever is behind those doors scares the shit out of me. “ Morita said.

“I never thought I could be this afraid.” Dum Dum said. “I thought the worse thing before this war, was calling a girl by her sisters name.”

Their was a soft chuckle.

“Mine was when I shit my pants at school.” Falsworth “Stupid food poisoning, I couldn't go back for weeks. The idea of having to face those kids again was mortifying.”

Bucky didn't share his worst moment. He just listened. It was nice to listen. They told some ridiculous stories

A bit later the conversation shifted.

“I loved this girl man, I loved her so much. I was just too afraid to tell her.” Jones said. “But if I get back, boy will I rock her world.”

The boys laughed.

They were off, Bucky listened to their stories of what gave them hope. You could see it in their eyes they wanted to badly to believe that by some miracle they would see their loved ones again. Bucky wasn't so sure.

“What about you Barnes?”

“My mom and my sisters” Bucky started. “They are the ones who are waiting for me, them and Steve of course.”

“Steve, brother, son?” Jones asked.

“Friend, or something. We were raised together in New York, our Mama’s always helped each other out.” Bucky said a soft smile came over him. Just the thought of Steve always made him feel a tiny bit better.

“Where's he serving?” Jones asked.

 

“Hopefully no where.” Bucky said. The looks on everyone's faces were clear. They all bared their souls in their own ways, it was his turn, hell he was probably dying any ways why not say it out loud for once. Share his worst fear and the one person he loved.

“Steve has every medical condition in the book. He was always sick as a kid. The nurses always thought he held on purely out of willpower. Steve’s the kind of guy who is more stubborn than anyone you've met. He sets his mind to something, he will get it.” Bucky smiled remembering every stupid impossible goal Steve set and how he reached it.

“Steve he’s small but God he’s stronger than anyone I know. I miss the way he’d preach on any issue he thought was worth while. Never afraid of anyone’s opinion. He always did the right thing. I miss the way he’d scrunch up his eyebrows, as he started a new painting. The punk never liked to admit how much art meant to him. He always had something to prove you know. He might have talked tough, and he was always willing to fight even if he stood no chance, but at heart all Steve ever wanted to do was make the world better.”

No one said anything. And no one needed too. Bucky just had to talk. He had one story about Steve he had to share.

“My CO told me once you wouldn't know life or death fear till the battle, that’s not true. At least not for me. See this was my scariest moment. When Steve’s mom passed, I was all he had left. We moved in together. Someone had to look out for him, he was too stubborn to accept help though. But that winter was hard. Too hard. I would watch him sleep every night. I could see how his body struggled to take one simple breath….I would have given anything to give him my lungs...one night his breathing stopped. That’s the moment I knew true fear. To be honest, I haven’t been that scared since. I felt an emptiness that I have never felt. I asked God to save him, even if it meant condemning me to hell. Sometimes I think this is what this war is, it’s the fulfillment of that deal.” Bucky had wanted to admit that for a long time.

“But ya, he’s the person I want to see most again, but I'm glad he’s still in New York, safe for once in his life, though if I know Steve, he’s still found a cause to fight for.”

Bucky could see it in their eyes, they all realized he loved Steve Rogers. But hey what were they going to do? Tell the Nazi’s he was a dead man any how?

“I hope you get a chance to see him again.”

Bucky was shocked. Maybe they didn't get it. After all people could be pretty damn stupid. Hell Steve still didn't know how he felt about him.

“Ya, same, maybe one day I can tell him how I feel.” Bucky said. He wasn't going to dance around the subject any more. If he wouldn't get a chance to tell Steve that he loved him with everything he had, then he would tell someone.

“You ain't dead yet.” Jones said. “None of us are, we might still have a chance. Bucky, my God, would give you a chance, if it helps.”

Later that day, he was taken. And Bucky was afraid. By God was he afraid. But he wasn't numb as he walked into this new hell, because Steve was still breathing. Somewhere Steve was still breathing.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all liked it.


End file.
